New Rules

Ten Rules I Live By

1. Never bet on Peyton Manning in the playoffs.
2. Watch “24” every week bar none. In fact, I’ve only ever missed one episode of 24. At the time, a girl and I were going through a long break-up— this was the final straw. No one keeps me from my man-crush on Jack Bauer.
3. Watch the O.C. every week
4. Always be able to see my penis. When I get older I want to be jovially plump, but my grandpa is a little bit out of control. The penis test is the best way to make sure you’re never too fat. If you can’t see your penis, lose some weight. Reader’s Note: I don’t actually know what my Grandpa’s status on the penis test is. However, he is a very rotund man.
5. If at all possible, drive, don’t fly. Of course, from what I hear, gas is a precious commodity and this is a ridiculous waste of said resource. Still, I’m American and, as such, I just don’t care.
6. Listen to Bill Simmons and never bet against Tom Brady, Larry Bird, and/or any other random Boston sports figure.
7. Star Trek: The Next Generation was superior in every way to the original Star Trek.
8. I don’t drink coffee because it’s not good for me, I do drink copious amounts of alcohol most days of the week. I’m very selective about my life choices.
9. Give a dollar to every bum I see because he could be Jesus. I’m serious about this. One time when I was a young child, I made fun of a bum and my Dad told me it wasn’t a nice thing to do—I knew it wasn’t nice when I did it, but that’s not the point. Everyone knows children can be mean (sometimes I think they’re the worst people on the planet). He told me that I should always be nice to bums because it could be the Son of Man himself. I understand now that this would mean that Jesus had returned and that the world should be somewhere near the apocalypse, but as a young child I thought it was totally plausible that God’s son could be the bum I would never see again, and this one time I talked to him would be the only time I talked to Jesus. Not surprisingly, I gave bums all of my money.
10. I only live by nine rules.