The Day After

Some thoughts after a one week hiatus

- The key to winning drunken Monopoly is flipping over the board.
- What Tom had to say about me at our Halloween party last night, “You had that Tony Montana suit on and then I heard you say, ‘Shit, if I’m gonna be a coke lord, I need to do as many shitty things to myself as I can tonight.’ Five minutes later I saw you with a beer in one hand, a shot in the other, a clove coming out of the side of your mouth and flour smeared all over your nose. Good Times.”
- Mom, if you’re reading this, I only had one beer…I swear. It was just that the beer was 164 ounces, that’s all.
- It’s been said before, but Halloween is the perfect holiday. I mean, it’s got something for everyone. Little kids are happy because they get to subsist (solely) on candy for the next three weeks—or until all that’s left is candy corn (I hate candy corn) whichever comes first. Adults are ecstatic because they are expected to get drunk with no qualms whatsoever. It’s sort of the Halloween aesthetic really. Think about it; at Christmas adults get drunk, but you know they’re (sort of) thinking it’s wrong because they’re supposed to be concentrating on Jesus’ birth. Halloween doesn’t have that problem—probably because it’s a pagan holiday. O yeah, and I love it because it allows me the opportunity to do what I do four times a week anyway.
- I miss Mitch Hedberg
- A Pulitzer Prize winning book I read this week that others should probably read, but, you know, whatever: Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole
- The new Black Keys album is stellar as is the new My Chemical Romance record. The new album by JET—Shine On—is kitschy.
- Again, listen to the Silversun Pickups and love them or I will fight you.
- Chuck Norris has a weekly column….I’m not going to link to it, but honestly I feel like people need to know this. Sadly, he has squashed the rumor that his tears cure cancer....And just like that, my faith in humanity is destroyed.
- Borat comes out on Friday unless you live in the Midwest. Why would they black out the Midwest? Too many Kazakhstanian sympathizers, maybe? Are they worried that people in the Midwest don’t like funny jokes? Or is this some sort of reverse election thinking? You know, kind of like how Ohio voted for Bush because he was tough on national security even though those mooks have no chance of being attacked. In essence, they were saving the liberals in Los Angeles, New York, Boston and D.C. from themselves. Maybe it’s sort of the same thing going on with this Borat movie. The studio executives in Los Angeles know that the people in the Midwest will think its uproariously funny, but the unspoken meaning of the flick will rile Midwesterners destroying the social fabric of the heartland….Borat must be stopped.
- Maybe this is me being xenophobic, but French people suck.
- Watching the Cardinals play the Tigers for the World Series Title was like watching your buddy who has no real overpowering strengths--he's okay looking but not great, he's funny but not ha-ha funny etc....-- hit on a gorgeous girl. You’re thinking that this girl—like all the others—is going to turn him down, but this time whether it’s because the girl was super drunk or whatever, he gets a date with her. That was game one. Then Game two came and everything was back to normal. Your buddy comes over and he tells you that she wasn’t into him, and he hasn’t called her since the date. But then Games three and four happened. Your buddy tells you that she called back and that she had apparently cried herself to sleep thinking about him and she really wanted to go out again. All of a sudden, your friend calls you from Vegas to tell you that he just got married to this gorgeous girl. That was what watching the Cardinals beat the Tigers was like. The Tigers were gorgeous, but a little off their rocker as evidenced by the 1,754 errors they committed and the Cardinals were just lucky enough to be the dude who was in the right place at the right time.
- I’ve often said that my reasoning for eating beef is that, “If a cow could, he would eat me, so I feel no remorse.” However, I’m not sure if this is entirely true. But I do know one thing, I will never stop eating chicken. Given the chance, those fuckers would eat me in a second.
- 1. Natalie Portman. 2. Scarlett Johansson. 3. Keira Knightley. Am I wrong?
- Reasoning behind the rankings: 1. I guess the other two might actually be (objectively) better looking, but they seem a bit out of reach, you know. Natalie Portman seems like the absolute best looking—not to mention coolest—girl any man could ever hope to see in front of himself at the supermarket or wherever. She exists at the absolute edge of attainability (even though she isn’t). 2. Scarlett Johansson is gorgeous like Jayne Mansfield or Marilyn Monroe was. She’s curvy and all that jazz (even though this is only compared to other people in Hollywood) but she seems like a person that doesn’t really exist. I mean, I know she does exist, but you could never be in the same room as her, it would be impossible. Somehow, if you ever ended up in the same room, the fabric that holds existence together would implode and time would cease to exist. 3. Keira Knightley is very gorgeous.
- Where did the term “grassroots movement” come from?
- I heard this exact wordage in conversation before I got drunk last night; “I mean, its like President Bush is just so dumb and bumbling that we really have no chance in Iraq….(One minute later)….Obviously, the gas prices are dropping because Bush is trying to buy votes.” All right, now I’m pretty liberal—compared to everywhere except the city I live in—but this confuses me. How do the people in San Francisco live with logical inconsistencies such as this? So President Bush is too stupid to do anything and he has bumbled his way through his presidency, and he can’t even control something he has control over (our military presence in Iraq), but he’s got enough acumen to somehow affect an organization he has no control over (OPEC). I’m confused.
- Jack Nicholson refused to wear any Boston Celtics gear during the filming of the Departed because he is a monstrous Lakers fan. That is awesome. And I’m done.