The Best of Road House

Graduating from college and living in San Francisco means things have changed in my life. I’m supposed to be more politically correct but the reality is that it makes me less accepting. I’m forced to wake up every day before eight, but I want to stay up until four. Girls like me more, but men respect me less. But one thing will never change; my love of shitty movies.
Now let’s be clear on something. I’m not talking about bad movies. There are a lot of bad movies in the world. I’m talking about self-involved shitty movies; the guilty pleasures. You know, the ones you pretend to like ironically, but in reality you just like. In this vein, last night I watched Road House for the thirtieth time and the Double Deuce never looked so sweet. Road House is a movie mostly about the redemptive qualities of bar fights, but to a lesser extent philosophy, love and ripping the occasional nemesis’ throat out. Without further ado, here’s what I like most about Road House.

My Twenty Favorite Road House Moments

1. Two words: Double Deuce
2. Dalton and Kelly Lynch are sitting in her Jeep after a drive. Dalton’s in the passenger seat. They’re looking intent. He unbuckles his seat belt like a three year old (you know, pushing the button and letting the belt fly up) and this somehow does not kill the mood.
3. Dalton has supposedly ripped a guy’s throat out before.
4. The music that’s playing as Dalton enters the Brad Wesly’s house.
5. Three words, “Gentlemen,…Wade Garrett.” Spoken by a blind dude.
6. I’m serious, there are like 400 needless scenes where the director cuts to a guy smiling absolutely inexplicably.
7. Nick’s smart. He says, “I don’t know….I wouldn’t want my emergency room doctor getting drunk with a coupla bouncers a few hours before her shift.”
8. Early in the movie, the owner of the Double Deuce walks into the bar and he sees graffiti on his wall that reads “For a Good Fuck Call….” He changes the axiom to say “For a Good Buick Call….”
9. My favorite Tom quote, “This movie would show that view….” It really could have been said about 4,742 different shots from the picture.
10. When the bar owner says, “I put a lot of money into this place,” when the entire bar is decimated for like the 40th time. Maybe if your entire bar wasn’t broken every night it wouldn’t cost so much, you know.
11. If you’re a red-blooded male and I told you this was an ‘80’s movie with no qualms about baring upper bodies would that do anything for you?
12. However, this also equals three other words: Patrick Swayze shirtless.
13. Did anyone else notice that Brad Wesly burned down Red’s business, destroyed a car dealership and blew up a house without a single repercussion.
14. Second best quote ever uttered in a movie courtesy of Dalton’s nemesis, “I used to fuck guys like you in prison.”
15. And the wet blanket girlfriend award for whatever year Road House was released goes to….O my gosh, it’s Kelly Lynch….I had no idea.
16. “Remember that blonde, She could suckstart a Harley.” It’s like Shakespeare if Shakespeare had lived in a coke induced haze in the ‘80’s.
17. Extra Extra!!!! Giant Stuffed Polar Bear randomly falls on grotesquely fat guy.
18. I really can’t say enough about the random Westside Story music that plays throughout the climactic scene, it would (literally) be impossible.
19. Dalton flinches at the end; can’t rip out Wesly’s throat.
20. The rest of the townsfolk shoot Bad Guy Brad Wesly but it takes four shots before he dies.