The Shot Heard Round the Blog

The Shot Heard Round the Blog

Today is Sunday, September 10th in the 2006th year of our lord, and that means its time for a Sunday afternoon with Austin. Per usual, I’m going to (more or less) ramble as many ideas out as possible and then write about one of them later. And if you don’t like what you read, remember its Best Western Bryan’s fault. I could have never set a blog up on my own. I am not proactive.

• I live in a mildly shady area so I think I’m going to start using a cane. But not just any cane…one of those canes that doubles as a sword or something. I mean, it serves two purposes. 1.) It looks classy 2.) It’s a deadly slashing device. What more could you want from your walking stick?
• Is Adam Sandler funny? I used to think so, but now I'm not so
sure. His non-funny movies are fine, but that doesn't mean he's
funny, you know?
• Would you rather have a thousand dollar dinner or a thousand dollar suit?
-Nick answered thusly, “The suit for sure. Who wants to shit a grand the next day? Too depressing.”
• Nick asked, “Do you think the world from John Lennon’s “Imagine” could ever exist. Here’s my answer, “I don't think John Lennon's ‘Imagine’ could ever exist, but I think ‘We Built This City’ by Starship or ‘Monkey’ by George Michael are
probably more attainable. This is probably all the White man’s fault.”
• If you ever find yourself in the middle of nowhere Texas Chainsaw Massacre style, the gas station employee is always the town’s resident Einstein. Never forget this.
• GO BEARS!!!!
• Are we all winners because we play drinking games or are do we play drinking games because we’re winners?
• Has alcohol made me funnier or do I just think it has?
• It would be a real treat to meet Tony the Tiger.
• If I told you there was a place that served one dollar beers as long as football was being played, would that interest you?
• The first line from the song “Radio” by Alkaline Trio…”Shaaaaaaaakinggggggggg like a dog shittin’ razor blades.” This just further proves my supposition that inside every musician there is a third grade poet trying to get out.
• Books to read if you have as much time on your hands as I do: Now I Can Die in Peace by Bill Simmons, How Soccer Explains the World by Franklin Foer, Sherlock Holmes and The Hound of the Baskervilles
• Listen to The Silversun Pickups. I mean this; if you do not listen to them then we have a problem. Honestly, if you don’t like them, I will fight you.
• Is it a man-law that every man has to have a fu Manchu at least once? I hope not.
• On a related note, fu Manchus are the new mullet.
• I don’t like it when people claim to be giving 110%. It’s too damn illogical.
• How long do people have to say, “Oh that guy, _______, is so underrated” before he actually becomes overrated.
• How often does someone have to go to the bathroom when they’re drinking until you can make fun of them for a small bladder? 3 times? Or is it only in the context of how many beers have been drunk?

I think that’s enough. Here’s something I thought about for way too long this week.

Who Would Win in a Fistfight

It seems to me there is no greater question in our time than, “Who would win in a fistfight.” So, I’m going to pit famous and a little bit famous people against each other. As an added bonus my fights all go fifteen rounds because real men bludgeon each other for nine more minutes. I’m all about pugilistic purity. I don’t know if I’ve ever heard anything cooler than Ali-Frazier III when it was possible that Ali could have died had Frazier been able to stand for the fifteenth. So, in the spirit of toughness and ill-will toward men (and women) I give you my dream altercations.

Lucille Ball vs. Ethel
Odds: Lucy 1 to 4
This one’s a no-brainer. Ethel was so spineless toward Lucy that I really feel like if Lucy and her had come to fisticuffs she would have simply allowed Lucy to beat her up while telling Lucy that she was thankful she’d been punished for doing something wrong even though she didn’t know what it was that she’d done wrong in the first place. In fact I’m done with this one….Let’s just move on.

Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse vs. Patrick Swayze in Point Break
Odds: Roadhouse Swayze 34 to 1
Roadhouse Swayze wins when Point Break Swayze’s cutman squirts lemon juice in his eye. After a long investigation, it is revealed that the cutman was none other than “I am an F….B….I…. Agent” Johnny Utah who had been tracking Point Break Swayze all the way to Vegas for the epic battle. Furthermore, the outcome of the fight is contested when it becomes apparent—through video evidence—that Roadhouse Swayze never actually connected on any of his punches, did not rip out Point Break Swayze’s throat and that both Point Break Swayze and Agent Utah had bet heavily on Roadhouse Swayze to win the fight.

Trey Parker & Matt Stone vs. Scientology
Odds: Pick ‘em
Stone & Parker take the early advantage as they bludgeon scientology, but there are just too many beautiful scientologists and Americans are just too susceptible to beauty. In a surprising turn of events Scientology knocks Stone & Parker down in the tenth and the duo is never the same. They fight to the end but lose in a split-decision when Celebrity Judge Kim Jong Il inexplicably gives the 10-9 score to the scientologists in the fifteenth. There is great outrage, but Kim Jong Il does not care. He immediately goes golfing where he improbably makes seventeen holes in one and a par.

Bruce Willis vs. Will Smith
Odds: Willis 1 to infinity
After playing the great Muhammad Ali, Will Smith believes he can compete with Willis. Will Smith is killed in the first—by one punch—when he steps into the ring with Butch. Millions are deprived of hearing him scream in every role he ever plays. He is best remembered for his hilarious line, “I have got to get me one of these…” in Independence Day. The lesson: Never step into the ring with Butch.

Ving Rhames vs. Michael Clarke Duncan
Odds: Clarke Duncan 1 to 2 (or is that Ving Rhames)
In a battle of people that look alike Michael Clarke Duncan wins handily in the fourth round when Ving Rhames cannot make it out of his corner. On a sidenote: If Michael Clarke Duncan wasn’t so big I would never be able to tell him and Rhames apart.


A transcription of a night I may or may not have had on Friday

8 P.M.- Tom and I finish our first beer
8:15- Beer number three conquered
9- Probably six beers and a shot so far.
915- Time to go out.
9:45- Tom and Austin find their way to the Elbo Room. Austin makes a bad decision and orders two Ocean Beach iced teas.
10:00- The drinks are done. Tom is very drunk
10:15- Tom and Austin go to Delirium
10:30- Austin loses Tom
10:45- Somehow Austin is talking to girls. They get a cab and all of them go to a park. Austin is confused about how he got himself into such a situation.
11:00- Austin makes fun of a fat girl. He feels bad about it later.
11:15- Austin asks a gay guy, “So, where are all the gay racists…. Like I really want to meet one.” The man is not amused. Austin says simply, “Hey man if you can’t laugh at yourself then who can you laugh at. I mean, listen to that lisp.”
11:24- A shot of Black Label whiskey is taken. Hilarity ensues.
11:30- Austin realizes that drinking in a park is underrated when he decides to roll down the hill three to four times. Everyone else decides to join in. Austin realizes that this group is at the mercy of his whimsicalities.
11:38- Austin finds a Yanni poster.
11:39- He contemplates what to do with such a poster. He takes a shot of 151 to help him make his decision.
11:40- He decides that this Yanni poster must be photocopied and he demands that the group find a Kinko’s.
11:42- The group agrees.
12:14- The group enters Kinko’s. Yanni is photocopied 100 times or maybe a 1000. Either way, someone else pays.
12:27- Austin is hungry. He posits that the group should go and find an Indian food place.
12:54- Austin is eating Naan and telling everyone who will listen that Yanni is like “John Lennon with talent.”
1:04- Someone agrees with him that Yanni is “like John Lennon with talent,” and Austin verbally accosts the loser for the next 27 minutes.
1:15- The loser makes fun of Austin, but Austin just says, “Whatever, man only a guy with a deficient penis (though I probably said ‘small dick’) would really believe that Yanni’s better than John Lennon.” He is not amused. He says, “You’re the one that said it first.” I reply that I was trying to “root out all the weak links in this coterie.” He buys me a shot to atone for his misdeeds.
1:32- Where am I?
1:45- Whiskey was a bad choice
2:04- Austin decides to pass out more Yanni posters outside of a bar while people are leaving. He continues to say that John Lennon was a hobo.
2:21- Another person agrees and Austin calls him a “Gerrymanderer.” The guy is not amused. He threatens to punch Austin. The bouncer comes by to ask what the problem is. Austin answers saying, “This hobo said that Yanni is like John Lennon with talent.” The bouncer apparently loves John Lennon. This boded ill for the other guy.
2:37- Somehow, I am taking a shot with the bouncer.
2:39- Tequila was a bad choice.
3:32- I time travel and find myself on my stoop.