I don't know; I was drunk

I’ve been trying to think about what to write about for a while and the thing is I’m sapped, I’m dry, I’m through. There’s nothing left for me; nothing. So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to write about everything I’ve always wanted to do but never could because honestly this is the only thing left that is remotely interesting to myself, so I can only imagine the interest level of everyone else. I mean this; there is only one truly interesting conversation any human can have with any other biped and it is about the future. The present is not interesting because it’s happening as we speak; it is inherently un-interesting. The past is similarly boring but for a different reasons. Whenever you speak about the past, it is in terms of a story (unless you’re with someone who lived the past with you then its fine to reminisce) because it is truly impossible to relive; no matter who’s telling the story. And if the past and the present are not worth re-living then there can be only one synonym for future worth re-living and that is one that has not yet occurred. It is impossible for the future to bore a single soul and this is why it will always be vastly transfixing and eternally interesting.
My future holds many questions. It holds the type of questions that fill every mind. What will I be doing in five years? Will I be happy? It holds the type not held by others. How would my life be different if werewolves existed? Is a mint chocolate latte the new tapioca pudding? Then there are the types where I wonder if I have the ability to engender my own verbal cojones and ride.

-Run across the US of A
This is important though it has (obviously) already been immortalized in film. Really, the only reason to do this is my roommate Nick’s drunken statement that we need to do it. In reality, I don’t really know why this would be something we would possibly want to do.
-Ghost ride the whip
Okay, this one makes way more sense. Nick and I were watching the local news on the televizzle in San Francisco this week and a reporter named Stanley Roberts—possibly the retired basketball player, but I can’t be sure—tore the lid off of a story plaguingthe Bay area. Kids all over the bay are “Ghost riding the whip.” That is, they are getting out of their cars while the automobile is in neutral and dancing around them. I wouldn’t want to do this so badly except that one of the geniuses tried to do this while speeding along at 40 miles per hour in a car that had terrible alignment. Obviously, hilarity ensued.
-Go to Playboy mansion
Girls, if your boyfriend doesn’t echo this sentiment you need to dump him. He is either a) lying to you or b) gay. Just some food for thought.
-Stand in the batter’s box versus Roger Clemens
This is just a personal one, but I’d like to see a 95 ile per hour fastball whiz by my dome.
-Stream myself on the internet having sex with Heidi Klum (because that is the only way people would believe it)
Ummmm….I probably shouldn’t be drunk when I write.
-Be part of the cast of Saved by the Bell: The 72nd class
a. subpoint; DO Kelly Kapowski
Saved By The Bell was the most important television show of my mid childhood. Honestly, I can’t count the times I wish I had Zach’s life.
-Invent some thing on par with the piano key necktie
I INVENTED IT THE PIANO KEY NECKTIE. I INVENTED IT. WHAT HAVE YOU INVENTED DEREK.
-Talk Christian Slater into biting people
I’m always enthralled when people act in absolutely irrational ways. I could have put Marv Albert instead of Slater, but I figured knowledge of the star of Broken Arrow would be more universal—barely—than the old voice of the NBA. Anyways, I have no idea what would compel one person to literally bite another to the point of terrible pain (especially when not actually part of a sex act) but I’d love to find out.
-Meet someone on Megan’s Law website; give URL
Okay, so there are 77 registered sex offenders in my zip code alone. By contrast there are 15 in Laguna Niguel and 12 in Dana Point. Now, I’m usually on the side of people in trouble with the law, but forced rape of people under 14 is more than a little disturbing. I need to meet one of these people so that I can hate them properly.
-Cut an onion after washing the knife
This is just stupid.
-In the future, my tombstone will say: This man was a rebel. He used E before I except after C.
What can I say; I’m a rebel against my own language.
-According to Jim will still be on the air and it will still suck.
I’ve now seen this show—by accident—twice and each time I saw it my brain became less intuitive and my actions stifled. For at least a week, I worried that someone would say, “Hey, he stole that joke from Jim Belushi,” because if they did I would be forced to take my contacts out with sandpaper.
-Strangle Lenny Kravitz
I don’t know about this; whenI’m not drunk he seems alright.
-Publish a book called Heroin: What I did to oust cocaine
This will definitely have o happen in the future because I don’t think its true at this time. Heroin still seems like a drug that when other people heard you did it, they would think you had a deathwish whereas cocaine is still recreational. This is going to change.
-Write my master’s thesis; Stranded in Time: A Devotional with the mind of Eva Longoria
She’s the reason people don’t watch The Wire; I just can’t prove it.
-Change a baby’s diaper
I’m sure this will eventually happen.
-Meet a Jew
I mean a real practicing Jewish person, not one that goes to synagogue only on Yom Kippur and Passover
-Go to a Pakistani/Indian Restaurant
O wait, I did that and I canot believe it actually exists. The whole time I was waiting for a war to break out over the best dinner tables in the place.
-Learn that Death Trick from Kill Bill
I don’t know much, but I do know that David Carradine doesn’t need to be in any more movies or on my Yellow Book advertisements.
-Go on Late Night with Conan O’Brien
He is without question the best late night host. The question is what will I do to get on the show. Let’s start a campaign.